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  I could not wrap my mind around what he was saying. Hadn’t it been last night he slept in my bed after we had the most indescribably intimate sex?

  “No, I’m not going to be sleeping with you tonight. What happened last night was astonishing. It was truly special, but it can’t happen again.”

  I pulled back as if struck. Did he just say it would never happen again? I knew it was not the right time for this conversation. I had run the gamut of emotions and I was still tender. Hadn’t I just told Sam I was going to enjoy my time with Hunter, and when the time came I would let him go with a smile? But that was before. Tonight scared the bejesus out of me, I learned life was precious and fleeting.

  “What are you saying, Hunter? What changed between yesterday and today?” I asked contemptuously.

  “Nothing has changed. Yesterday should never have happened. I have told you all along that I can’t be with you, I’ve never wavered from my position. You’re my best friend, and I never should have slept with you. Things got out of hand last night, for both of us. As spectacular as it was between us, best friends cannot screw each other if they want to remain friends. I don’t have sex with my best friend and I’m not interested in having casual sex with you. I’m hoping we can put it behind us and not lose what we have. I don’t know how many times I can say it. I’m not at a place in my life where a relationship with you is a possibility.”

  “You keep saying you can’t right now, it’s not a possibility right now. What does that mean? Are you implying you want to pursue something in the future?” I continued before he could even respond, “Let me make sure I’m clear on your position—you would like to have a relationship with me, you could see having a future together, but you’re too young to commit to something that serious? Is that the bullshit you’re trying to feed me?”

  Hunter groaned his frustration. “Why are you pushing this conversation now? Can’t we just let things be? Everything was going so well before yesterday. I know I confused you. I should not have slept with you. I already admitted my mistake. Can’t you forgive me so we can move past it?”

  “Why am I pushing this? Because I fucking love you, you idiot, and I can’t hide my feelings anymore,” I screamed at him. “I’m in love with you. I love you so much it eclipses everything else around me. You’re the star I can never reach. I can wish and dream, stretch and strain, but you’re always just out of my grasp. I need something I can hold, I can count on. I need something tangible.”

  Hunter looked stunned, unprepared for my sentiment or anger.

  “There is no man more perfect for me, no one I’d rather spend my life with, no one I will ever want more. But I need someone who wants me equally in return. I love you with every ounce that I am, down to the smallest molecule of my being, but that isn’t enough if you won’t reciprocate.”

  I paused to take a deep breath, praying he would interject, tell me he would reciprocate. Instead, he said nothing.

  “I would do anything for you…anything. The only thing I can’t do is pretend I’m not in love with you. I have given you everything you would accept, but I can’t make you love me. I can’t create feelings in you that are not there. Can you imagine what it’s like to want something so desperately and know you can never have?”

  Still, he said nothing.

  "There are times when it feels real, when I fool myself into believing you are feeling what I am. But you’re not, are you?”

  He shook his head, refusing to answer. That was an answer in itself as far as I was concerned.

  “It’s now or never, Hunter. This is the time to make your decision. It’s all or nothing for me. I’m already all-in, I have been for months, but it’s irrelevant unless you’re ready to take the risk with me. There was a time I would have settled for the half-life we have been living, but it’s not enough anymore. Our un-relationship is not enough for me. I have a boyfriend in every aspect except the actual commitment. You know what...I want the damn title, I want the fucking commitment.”

  “Please don’t do this, Ev, not right now. Don’t push me, I don’t want to lose you,” he sounded so desolate.

  “You need to let me go. Let me move on if you do not want me–if you don’t want us. I’m your hostage right now. You keep me tied to you because you don’t want to lose me, our friendship, but you’re being selfish.” I fought back the tears that threatened to fall. “Hunter, you’re tearing me to shreds so that you can keep the pieces of me you want and discard the rest, and you’re destroying me in the process. You don’t get to keep my heart anymore if you refuse to give me yours in return. It’s time to stop holding me in limbo. It’s time to decide.”

  “You’re asking me for something I can’t give you. I wish I could, you have no idea how much, but if the only option you’re leaving me is all or nothing you’re leaving me no choice.” His eyes looked damp and he was struggling to get the words out, “I can’t do it, angel. I can’t give you everything.”

  I nodded, not trusting myself with words. Tears were running down my face like rivers, but I didn’t care. He took a step toward me, reaching out. I help up my hand to stop him, shaking my head.

  “I need you to go now, Hunter, you have to leave. Maybe someday I can find a way to be your friend again, but that day is not today. I’m sorry, I’m just not strong enough.” I stifled a sob, choking slightly. “Take care of yourself, and don’t regret this, regardless of the outcome, I will never regret having you in my life–even if only briefly. You have been a good friend to me, and I thank you.”

  “Everleigh, I’m not leaving you alone right now. Heath is out there, Sam is in the hospital, I don’t feel ri—”

  “Go. You’ve made your choice, and you can’t have it both ways. Let me go, so I can try and find a way to do the same,” I said more firmly.

  “I will tomorrow, for tonight just let me stay to make sure your sa—”

  “Go!” I shouted.

  Sobs wracked my body, but I remained standing. I walked to the door and opened it for him. He reluctantly picked up his overnight bag. As he passed me, he placed a kiss on my forehead, the last of many. I closed the door behind him and leaned my back against it, sliding down toward the ground in a heap, where I cried myself to sleep.

  Chapter Eighteen

  * * *

  "You kept quiet... When these victims wanted your help to survive, you kept quiet.” -Paul Kagame

  I awoke several hours later on the floor at the foot of my front door. Talk about a bad start to the day, every muscle in my body hurt. Remembering the night before, I drew a shuddering breath and pressed against my chest as if I could physically restrict the pain that had blossomed. I wanted to crawl into bed and hide from life. I let Hunter go; more accurately—I threw him out of my home and my life. I demanded what I knew he couldn’t give, and I had finally lost him. I knew it would come, but it was too soon, I wasn’t ready.

  Maybe a little tough love was all he needed. We would take some time apart, and he would realize that he did love me. He would come back to me. I was deluding myself but I needed to cling to the false hope that we were not done, especially if I was ever going to get off the floor today. I would allow myself hope, pretend it was all a bad dream, just for today.

  I hurried to dress and headed to the hospital. I had to get to Sam before anyone told her what happened yesterday. I didn’t know what the information would do to her, and I would be damned if she found out without me there to hold her together if she needed it. Remembering I didn’t have my car and unable to call Hunter, I was forced to call a taxi to get to the hospital.

  As I rode to the hospital, I ruminated about Sam’s progress. Physically, Sam was healing well, the doctors were pleased and she would be able to go home as early as this weekend. I wondered if we should find a home nurse to stay with her while I was at work for the next few weeks. I could help Sam dress and bathe, but she may need additional assistance when I could not be there. I would have to download as many e-books as possible on her
iPad to keep her mind occupied for the next month. She needed to rest so her bones could heal properly. Mentally, Sam was infinitely better than anyone had a right to expect. She had begun to deal with what had happened, but she was resolved to survive, to fight not to lose herself. That had to be a good sign. I wanted to cover her in emotional bubble wrap to ensure nothing impinged on her time to process and heal. I still needed to find a counselor for her, as she would need to talk about what happened soon. I would give her until she was released from the hospital and then I would begin my push. The doctors warned me that there could be psychological side effects from having been in a coma and in the ICU for an extended period, especially when combined with the intensity of her injuries from the attack. They instructed me to watch her carefully for anxiety, restlessness, nightmares, paranoia, disorientation, agitation, delusions, and abnormal behavior. I was also to alert them of fluctuating levels of consciousness, which include aggressive or passive behavior. It had only been a day, but Sam was displaying none of the symptoms they had indicated, which was a huge relief.

  The taxi dropped me off at the front door. I flashed back to last night, to Heath, as I entered. I focused on my breathing, trying to calm myself. I was safe; everything was fine. I tried to relax all my muscles while waiting for the elevator. Slowly, my panic receded; I suspected I would have random moments of anxiety in the foreseeable future. If I was experiencing the emotional effects of my incident, what must Sam be experiencing?

  As I approached Sam’s room I nodded to the police officer standing outside.

  “Hi Officer, I’m Everleigh Carsen. Everything good?”

  “Hello Miss Carsen. Yes, everything has been fine. There is a young man who arrived a little while ago to visit Miss Whitney, she confirmed he was her boyfriend. I cleared him, but requested they keep the door open.”

  “Thank you.”

  I was about to enter when I heard crying, but it was not from Sam. Peeking in, I saw Robbie sitting in a chair next to Sam’s bed. He was holding her hand with his head resting where they were joined. I listened, wanting to give them their privacy, but not willing to trust anyone with Sam’s wellbeing except myself.

  “I’m so sorry, Sam. I should have come sooner, but I was a mess. When I heard you had been attacked, I was sick with worry, physically ill. I can only imagine what they did to you, I should have protected you. I felt so guilty for not taking better care of you.”

  Sam began stroking Robbie’s hair, soothing him. What a selfish ass; he should be comforting, soothing, and reassuring her. Robbie was such a twit sometimes.

  “Robbie, it’s alright, I know you must have been scared. I was not even conscious. It doesn’t matter, you’re here now. I love you. Do you still love me? Can you be with me despite what…” Sam trailed off. “Can you still be with me despite what happened? Does that change how you feel about me?” Sam asked in a small voice.

  “Of course I still love you. Nothing could change that. Whatever they did, it does not change who you are. I’m just so sorry. We will be okay; we will make it through this. Can you forgive me? I love you, Sam; I want to marry you, I planned to ask after graduation. Say you forgive me, please,” Robbie pleaded desperately.

  “There is nothing to forgive, babe. You didn’t do anything wrong. Nothing you could have done would have prevented what happened. It was a random attack. I hate that it happened, but if it did have to happen, I prefer it was me instead of some other girl who may not have the love and support of people like you and Ev. I love you as I always have. I want to marry you, too. I’m not going to forgive you, because there is nothing to forgive.”

  “You have to forgive me Sam. It won’t work if you don’t forgive me.” Robbie was getting irrationally upset. “Please, just say you forgive me. I need to hear you say it, and then we can move on and try to forget everything that happened.”

  “Robbie, calm down. This is just your male instinct to protect driving you crazy. If it means that much to you, of course I forgive you.” She leaned over and kissed him gently on his head.

  “Oh, thank God. I was sick with worry that you would never forgive me for failing you. I never thought they would attack you. I told him to stay away from you or I would kill him. I tried to protect you, but I failed. I’m so sorry. I couldn’t live without you, Sam,” Robbie rambled thoughtlessly.

  Heath had told me he targeted Sam because Robbie had warned him off. Robbie had just inadvertently admitted Heath had attacked Sam. How did Robbie know? I intended to get the answer, now. I stepped into the room.

  “How did you know Robbie? How did you know it was Heath?”

  They both looked at me—Robbie terrified and Sam confused.

  “What do you mean, Ev? Heath was the one who attacked me?”

  “Yes,” I answered evenly.

  “You can’t know that,” Robbie said in desperation, realizing his mistake.

  “Yes, I can. He tried to attack me when I left the hospital last night. I was able to escape, but first he confessed everything to me.”

  “Why would he do such a thing? Was it because of the bar incident?” Sam asked bewildered.

  “Heath was the one attacking and murdering all the girls, Sam—he’s a psycho. He was targeting me, but I was proving difficult to isolate. Robbie threatened him to stay away from you, which in Heath’s twisted mind was a challenge. When he found you alone near Mathematics he took the opportunity.”

  “Oh my God,” Sam muttered to herself, “but you’re safe. He didn’t hurt you?”

  “No Sam, he didn’t get me. I threw a hot cup of coffee in his face and ran. It was close, but I was lucky.”

  “Thank God,” Sam said with conviction, “but what does that have to do with Robbie? He didn’t know Heath was killing people. He was just trying to protect us because he knew Heath was a creep.”

  “Is that true, Robbie?” I questioned him for Sam’s benefit. I didn’t want to break her, but she needed to know the truth.

  “I was trying to protect Sam, I love her. I never wanted her or anyone to be hurt,” Robbie replied defensively.

  “But how did you know Sam needed protection? What made you so certain he was dangerous? You knew, didn’t you?”

  “No,” Sam gasped. “No way, Ev. Robbie couldn’t have known. He wouldn’t have let him hurt all those girls.”

  “Robbie?” I prompted when he remained silent.

  “Sam, love, it’s not what it sounds like. It all started as some stupid frat prank. Heath instituted a competition amongst the brothers to see how many women would agree to be tied up and spanked during sex. With all those kinky romance books girls are reading now, he thought it would be a fun twist to the classic notch in the bedpost competition the frat ran every year. The entire fraternity had to participate, each brother was required to get at least one. I didn’t even do it; I lied and said I did. I didn’t do anything wrong.”

  “But Heath did,” I stated calmly.

  “Look, Heath has never been right in the head. I don’t know how many complaints Hensley received from girls about him, but there must be a ton. He never was good at hearing ‘no.’ After the competition ended Heath didn’t stop. He was always bragging about his exploits, the things he got women to do. He was spouting lunacy about women wanting to be dominated and controlled. He said women wanted the pain—as in all women. I know some girls like kink and, if she is into it then it’s all good, but Heath was adamant all women wanted it. He said they would tell him ‘no’ as part of the game, to push him so he’d give them more of what they craved; he’s twisted. When the attacks started, I was suspicious. He would boast about encounters with ‘enthusiastic’ women, and then there would be news of a violent attack. A couple of the brothers actually bought into his rhetoric and would watch. I never witnessed any attacks, but I heard about them. I never, not in a million years, thought he would hurt you. I would have done something. I only warned him off you because he was fixated on Ev and I didn’t want him to turn his attentions
to you.”

  “You knew he was hurting those girls?” Sam asked horrified.

  “I didn’t know, I suspected,” Robbie argued.

  “And you thought he might hurt Ev, but you still did nothing about it? You didn’t tell anyone? Not the university? Not the cops?” She shook her head in disgust. “Even if you didn’t have the balls to come forward yourself, you could have done it anonymously. You just sat back and let it happen.”

  “He would have figured out it was me. He never trusted me; he would have killed me and gotten away with it. His father gets him out of everything.” Robbie defended himself pathetically.

  “And that’s justification for letting him continue to hurt people? To kill them?” Sam shrieked, “You could have stopped this. Prevented the attacks and all of the murders. You could have protected those girls–you could have protected me,” Sam finished quietly.

  “No, baby, I would have never let him hurt you if I had known. I love you. It kills me that I wasn’t there to protect you,” Robbie disputed.

  “You didn’t need to be there to protect me, you just needed to speak up. Tell the truth,” she shuddered. “Do you know what he did to me? I prayed for death, Robbie. I prayed that you and Ev would be okay when I was gone. He took everything from me I was not willing to give. I’m terrified of everything now, broken—in pieces. He broke me and you let him.”

  “Sam, please, please baby. I lov—” Robbie begged, but Sam was done.

  “Don’t you finish that sentence, don’t you dare. You do not love me; you’re not capable of love. Love is selfless, self-sacrificing—you are selfish and self-serving. You are a coward and your inaction rendered you just as bad as him. You are equally accountable for what happened to all of us as if you had done it yourself.” Sam steadied herself, grabbing the bedrail, “Get out.”

  “Sam,” Robbie tried again.

  “I said get the fuck out of my room you conscienceless bastard. Get out. Get out! Get. The. Fuck. Out!” Sam screamed like a lunatic before dissolving into body-shaking sobs.