Only For You Page 19

  In response, Sam ribbed me, literally, with an elbow to my ribcage. What a bitch.

  After class on Thursday, Hunter was giving me a hug goodbye, when it dawned on me, there was only one week left of classes. What would happen after the semester ended? I would begin my full-time position at Higher Yearning and Hensley would no longer be a prominent part of my life. When would I see Hunter? I was accustomed to seeing him at least four days a week, courtesy of classes. Most weeks, I saw him five or six days. Would this mark the end of Hunter in my life? Would we be like so many college friends that drift apart when forced proximity no longer exists? Would our relationship slowly fade to an occasional phone call and ‘happy birthday’ comment on Facebook?

  I must have indicated my distress because Hunter placed his fingers under my chin to tilt my head upward until our eyes met. The uncertainty of our future was creating anxiety that would certainly show in my eyes.

  “What’s wrong, angel?”

  “I just realized there is only one week left of classes. Then my time at Hensley is over.”

  “You will have accomplished a huge goal and passed a milestone. Why the sad eyes? It’s something to be celebrated. Are you feeling nostalgic?”

  I shook my head in the negative.

  “Then what has you so upset?”

  “When will I see you if we don’t have class together?”

  He smiled at me indulgently. “Is that what has you worried? Everleigh, we’ll still see each other. Perhaps a little less frequently, but still on a regular basis. We will develop a new schedule.”

  “But who will bring me coffee in the mornings and breakfast treats?”

  “You’re running a coffee shop. You have those items at your disposal,” Hunter laughed.

  “That is true, but who will give me big bear hugs each day?”

  “I’m sure you can persuade Sam to fill in for me when needed.”

  “She’s physically incapable of giving me a bear hug—she can only provide tiny cub hugs.”

  I averted my eyes, the reality hitting me like a blow.

  “Everleigh, look at me. You will not lose me. I won’t drift away until I’m just a fond college memory, I promise.”

  He addressed the heart of my concerns head-on, as was his way.

  “You promise?”

  “I promise, and you know I’ve never lied to you. You think I could stand to lose you from my life?” He held me close, kissing the top of my head, whispering into my hair, “I need you. You are not temporary.”

  I held him to me, my head against his chest, battling a premonition that the end was near. Irrespective of our promises, I had a feeling that Hunter just lied to me for the first time whether he intended to or not.

  As I drove to meet Josh on Saturday night, I was struck with how unjustly I was treating him. I liked Josh, as a friend. I enjoyed his company and found him attractive, but I didn’t feel any romantic spark. When he held me, it was nice; when he kissed me, it was pleasant. There was no invisible string drawing me to him like a fishing line being reeled in by a rod. When we were apart he didn’t cross my mind. Josh’s interest in me was more than superficial and, if I continued to date him, I would be implying a future that would never be. Even if Hunter wasn’t a distraction, Josh was not going to be my forever.

  Poor Josh. He was probably driving to the restaurant right now, thinking the classic third date rule was in effect, and he was going to get lucky tonight. Instead, I was getting ready to bludgeon him with the equally classic “it’s not you, it’s me” break-up. I had to bite the bullet and end it. I was regretful, aware of what a catch Josh was. He would make a wonderful husband and father one day; he just wouldn’t be my husband or the father of my children. I was tempted to delay the inevitable, but in such cases, tearing the Band-Aid off quickly was for the best. After four years of college, I had learned the benefit of being proactive versus procrastinating. Damn maturity and personal growth. It was far easier being irresponsible.

  I parked my car in the lot of a local Italian eatery and slowly made my way to the entry. Josh was waiting for me out front, wearing a smile, pleased to see me. When I neared, he drew me into his embrace and kissed my lips. It felt wrong.

  “I’ve missed you,” he said with conviction.

  “Thanks, you too,” I replied softly.

  He pulled back and looked at me studying my face, searching for the answer to a question neither of us had asked.

  “You’re different tonight. You look as lovely as ever, but something is off, you seem dimmer.” He led me to a bench in front of the restaurant’s garden. “What’s troubling you?”

  Josh was more astute that I had realized.

  “You’re entirely too kind to me,” he smiled at my compliment. “Josh, as fond as I am of you, I’ll never be able to give you my heart. You deserve to know that. I could continue enjoying your company and ingratiating myself in your life—it’s tempting, believe me–but it would be incredibly selfish when I know I will never be your forever girl.”

  I met his eyes and saw the surprise; he had not expected our conversation to take this direction.

  “Is there someone else?” he asked neutrally.

  “No,” I paused, wanting to be honest, “not really.”

  “Not really?” He raised an eyebrow.

  “There is a guy, Hunter, he is my best friend, but it will never be anything more. I’m not ending things with you because of him. I swear. I know I can never have him, I’ve accepted it. But it would be very easy to allow myself to cling to you to fill the void he will leave. You deserve better than that from me, and I can’t offer you more than a temporary distraction. You’re far too good to wear an ill-fitted suit. You need to hold out for the custom tailored Armani.”

  Josh smiled at my analogy and reference to his attire on our first date. He took my hand in his. He was too good, any woman in her right mind would beat me for letting him go.

  “I thought we were building something special, that we were well suited. I am surprised to find that you don’t feel the same.”

  I sighed, unsure how to explain. “You are everything I could ever ask for, Josh. Smart, kind, good looking, successful. You are everything I could want. The problem is, I unintentionally gave my heart away, and now I don’t have it to give to you. I don’t think I will ever get it back, if I’m being honest.”

  He shook his head, disappointed. “I wish I could change your mind Ev, I could make you happy. You are letting go of someone who wants to open his life to you because you don’t believe you will ever fall in love again. I never understand why women do that.”

  “You could make me very happy, I’m sure, but you would never be able to have all of me. Right now you’re convinced time will change that, but I am telling you it won’t. You deserve more than most of me, you deserve everything.”

  I place my hand on top of his, willing him to accept my words even if he couldn’t understand. “Some men may never notice the difference, for some most may be enough, but you would notice and regret having settled.”

  He nodded his understanding, perhaps not fully agreeing, but taking me at my word. We sat in companionable silence for a short time.

  “He is a fool to let you go.”

  “No, I’m the fool for not hearing him when he told me in no uncertain terms he could not offer me more. I listened, but I didn’t hear. I should have let him go in the beginning when I was still strong enough to do so.” I breathed through my sorrow. “Some people believe the strongest will cling through the storm with steadfast determination never wavering, but sometimes the strength is in letting go.”

  Josh lifted my hand and kissed the top. “I can’t say I’m thrilled by your decision, but I will respect your wishes. After all, what choice do I have?” He chuckled dryly.

  “You’re an incredible woman, full of beauty and vitality. You deserve a man who reveres you above all others, who would sacrifice everything for you. I would have liked the opportunity to be that
man, but if not, then take your own advice and hold out for everything, Ev, it’s the least you deserve.”

  “Thank you Josh, for everything.”

  “Come on. Let’s go have a delicious meal. No more talk of heartbreak and unfulfilled wishes. I may not have found my future wife in you, but I do hope I have found a friend.”

  “That I can give you, and it would be my honor to call you a friend.”

  We had a wonderful meal. Josh did his best to transition from suitor to friend. There were awkward moments, but it was still a pleasant dinner. I was optimistic we could build a friendship from the remnants of our brief romantic attempt. After dinner, I thanked him again, profusely, and gave him a genuine hug.

  “If there is ever anything I can do for you, please let me know. I would love to repay your kindness to me.”

  “Don’t be silly. Just keep your eyes peeled for Ms. Right and point her in my direction if you find her. I’ll see you Monday. You’re still going to be my partner, aren’t you?”

  “Absolutely.”

  Driving home, I had an epiphany. I had to be suspicious right now to ensure my safety, but once this siege was over, I would let go of my skepticism. Josh, Hanshi Rosati, Griffin, and so many others had proven that for every horrid, foul, evil person in the world, there were countless others who were selfless and compassionate. I would not let the experiences and fear over the last year alter me permanently. I would retain my awareness that malevolence existed, but I would not live my life expecting the worst. Humanity was, for the most part, good. I would hold that close and retain a touch of the innocence I had before the horrors began.

  Our last week of classes brought a flurry of activity—final papers were due, study sessions were attended, and cramming began for the earliest final exams. I was constantly running between classes, Higher Yearning, and review sessions. During lunch on Wednesday, our clan decided to celebrate the end of classes with dancing at The Stop on Saturday night. We all knew this would be one of our last outings as undergrads and wanted to live it up.

  I was the lucky one of the bunch. I had a final paper due Thursday, in lieu of a final exam, for Business Strategies. Intro to Acting had no final exam, the class was graded cumulatively from participation and one performance piece to be presented on Wednesday. By Friday, all that remained was my Business Ethics final, for which I was well prepared. I worked all day, supplying a steady stream of stressed and caffeine-dependent students who crammed for finals. Regan and I had fun discerning between the students. Those who were merely refreshing the knowledge they acquired across the semester and those who had started out strong until after mid-terms, began to slack, and were working to catch up. My favorite to watch—those who had not attended a single class since the first day or read a single assignment, and were now trying to cram an entire course into a two-day study session. The last were our best customers, because inevitably they employed the same practice in all of their classes, leaving them with eight days of non-stop studying without sleep and no hope of passing.

  At the end of my shift I texted Sam to let her know I was heading home. When I arrived at the apartment, I found it empty. Checking my phone, I saw that Sam was grabbing a quick dinner with Robbie on campus before her final study group for Calculus. I will never understand why Sam had saved the math requirement—her most challenging subject—for her final semester of college. Sam promised to text me when she was heading home and suggested we plan our ensembles for tomorrow night before bed. We were all excited to go dancing, certain it would be a night to remember. I was even considering surpassing my usual happy alcohol buzz for the land of moderately tipsy.

  I spent my alone time reviewing my Business Ethics notes again to prepare for my final next week. When I was satisfied I had absorbed as much as was possible, I went to shower off the day. Sam texted me she was leaving study group and heading home, instructing me to have a bottle of wine open and to be ready to select the most spectacular outfits of our college careers. Laughing, I followed her instructions and opened a bottle of Shiraz to let it breathe.

  Knowing Sam would only take a few minutes to get home, I entered my bedroom and began to pull options for tomorrow. When I had selected all viable contenders, I decided to pour myself a glass of wine. Where was Sam? I checked to see if she had texted me a pit stop. No new messages. She probably stopped at the 24-hour drugstore to pick up Tylenol for her calculus-induced headache. I could go for rocky road ice cream, I shot her a text telling her as much.

  Thirty minutes later, Sam still was not home and I had received no return text. I called her cell to speed her along. It rang four times before the voicemail picked up. I decided to give her five more minutes before I started hounding her. When the time limit expired, I dialed her again. Same as before. A premonition was taking hold of me, causing my stomach to drop. I knew I was overreacting, but I decided to call Robbie. He answered on the first ring.

  “Hey Ev. What’s up?”

  “Is Sam with you?”

  “No, we had dinner earlier, but she had a study group tonight,” Robbie provided.

  “I know, she texted me over an hour ago saying she was on her way home and she still isn’t here. I thought you two might have gotten distracted.”

  “She’s not with me Ev, I’m sure she is fine. She probably just stopped at the store,” he dismissed my concern.

  “No, Robbie, I called her phone twice and she hasn’t answered.”

  “Maybe she left it in the car. Try not to get yourself worked up, she’ll be home soon. Have her call or text me when she gets in. Thanks.”

  I wish I could be as unconcerned as Robbie, but my intuition was screaming at me that Sam was in trouble. I let another five minutes pass before I tried Sam’s cell again.

  Receiving her voicemail once more I hung up, beginning to feel sick. Something was wrong, I knew it. I had to do something. Picking up my phone, I dialed Hunter.

  “Hey angel, you taking a break from Ethics?”

  “Hunter,” I could hear the panic in my own voice “something is wrong.”

  “What is going on? You sound terrified,” he asked in a controlled voice.

  “It’s Sam. She texted me over an hour ago and said she was on her way home. She still isn’t here. I’ve called her a bunch of times and she isn’t picking up. I called Robbie and she isn’t with him, and he made me feel like a paranoid idiot for worrying.” I paused to catch my breath, “Hunter, I know I sound crazy, but something is wrong. I know it, Sam is in trouble. Please, believe me.” I was prepared for Hunter to dismiss my concerns as Robbie had.

  “Okay we are not going to panic, but we are not going to ignore your instincts either. I will call a police officer I know from volunteering at Hensley, you call Campus Security. Do you know where she was last?”

  “I know she had a study group for her calculus class. I’m not sure where it was held on campus.”

  “I’m sure there is a record of what room they were in, Campus Security should have access to the information. Call them now and I’ll call you back when I’m off the phone with Detective Norse.”

  I hung up and immediately dialed Campus Security.

  “Campus Security, how can I help you?”

  “Hi, my name is Everleigh Carsen, I’m a student at Hensley. My roommate, Samantha Whitney, and I live off campus. She texted me over an hour ago that she was on her way home, but she still is not here. We only live five minutes away, I think something is wrong. She was coming from her calculus study group. Can you please try to find her?”

  “I will let the patrol cars know you’re concerned and have them keep an eye out. What type of car does she drive?”

  “A silver Mercedes coupe.”

  “Alright, I’ll let them know. I’m sure she is fine. We get several of these calls a day and the missing person always turn up. Let me have your number and keep us posted.”

  I gave him my number and thanked him. I sat on our loveseat with my phone in hand awaiting Hunter’s re
turn call, and calling Sam’s phone every five minutes. Twenty minutes later, my phone rang.

  “Hunter?”

  “Hey, sorry that took so long, I tried to give them as much info as I know. They promised to send patrol cars all over campus and search for her. How did it go with campus security?”

  “Same, although they did say they are getting a bunch of calls like this every day and the person usually turns up.”

  “Why don’t you see if you can track down someone who was in the study group. Do you have Sam’s Facebook password?”

  “Of course.”

  “Maybe they created an event for the session or you can see if a friend mentioned anything. Check her email too, if you can. If you can find anyone who was there with her, find out where the session was, when she was last seen, and what direction she was headed. Either way, I will pick you up in an hour and we will drive the campus if she is still missing. Does that sound like a plan?”

  “Yes.”

  Thank God for Hunter. I had something to do which may be useful and he was going to come with me to search for Sam. He didn’t belittle my fears; he just gave me what I needed. “Thank you.”

  “God willing this will be a huge overreaction, and you will feel silly tomorrow. If not, then we will have done everything we can to help her. I’ll see you in an hour.”

  I tried Sam’s cell phone again. Same as before—four rings then voicemail.

  I checked Sam’s Facebook page with no luck. Frustrated, I logged into her student email to check for any information that would help. I located an email from the TA stating the review session would be from 7:00 pm until 10:00 pm in the Mathematics Building. I tried to find the contact details for other students in the class to no avail. At least I had a lead.

  I called campus security back and advised them of Sam’s last known location and that she had departed the Mathematics Building at 9:35 pm, according to the text she had sent. They reiterated their promise to check the area and keep me posted.