Only For You Read online

  As I drove home, I relived my evening—this was my most “adult” date on record. Josh was charming and chivalrous. He listened, appreciated my humor, and was supportive of my goals. I was attracted to him—not the all-consuming magnetism I felt with Hunter—but Josh did incite desire. He was available and enticed, which Josh made clear without pressure. He was precisely what I needed, it would be premature to predict if we had a future, but I was enthusiastic about the prospect. Unwelcomely a thought arose—the only way the night could have been better was if I had been with Hunter.

  After work on Sunday, Sam and I went to the diner and plotted my course of action for plan ‘Ride ‘em, Cowgirl.’ I theorized this would be a long-term initiative, therefore I should begin subtly and build the offensive over time. It would serve to weaken his resolve and allow a less awkward transition from a non-physical to corporal relationship.

  I arrived at school on Monday thirty minutes before class started, which was when Hunter and I usually met. I had not heard from him since his outburst, leaving me unsure if he would appear. I shrewdly left an extra button on my shirt undone and added a long necklace to accentuate my cleavage. I decided not to bring up my date unless Hunter broached the topic, and then only provide minimal details. His jealously was a good sign, but I didn’t want to exacerbate it causing a fight. Hunter’s awareness that another man desired me, and my reciprocal interest, was sufficient.

  Hunter was waiting for me holding two cups of coffee. When he handed me my cup, I saw he had written on the top, “I’m sorry!” I set my cup on a table before taking his and doing the same. He looked at me curiously, unsure of my intent, but I ignored his apprehension and proceeded to wrap my arms around his waist. He quickly wound his arms around mine in return, holding me close.

  “I am sorry, I was completely out of line. I shouldn’t have vented my frustration on you, and I never meant to disrespect you. I was miserable this weekend knowing I had upset you and not being able to talk to you. I need you in my life, Everleigh. You have become so important to me—I can’t stand the thought of losing you because I can’t control my infantile temper. It’s no excuse but—I worry about you.”

  I pulled my arms from around his waist and encircled his neck, playing with his hair. This was more intimate than I had ever been, and I saw the surprise in his eyes before he quickly hid it. He tightened his hold on me infinitesimally.

  “You can’t lose me to some other guy, Hunter.” This was true in the strictest sense, he could only lose me if he didn’t want me. “You’re just as essential to me. I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have you.”

  I laid my head on his chest, needing the comfort. I knew my time with Hunter was limited unless he decided to pursue a new type of relationship with me.

  “I missed you all weekend, and I was nervous you wouldn’t show up today. I don’t want to fight with you. I wasn’t trying to bait you, honestly. It never occurred to me you would be bothered if I dated someone. Why did it bother you?”

  I reluctantly ventured into the dreaded conversation, but I had promised Griffin and Sam I would verify my conclusions before officially commencing plan ‘Ride ‘em, Cowgirl.’

  “Like I said, I was scared of losing you. I haven’t had any competition for your attention before now, and I didn’t like the idea of sharing my friend.”

  Okay, he used the F-word, not a good sign, but not conclusive.

  “Hunter, are you gay?”

  “What?” he sputtered in shock, “no, I’m definitely not gay. Not that I have any problem with it—love is love—but I’m attracted to women. Why would you even think that?”

  “I’ve thought you were gay since you quoted ‘Gone with the Wind’. It wasn’t until Thursday that I started to have doubts. You seemed so jealous; I thought you might have been upset that someone else was getting a slice of cake that you wanted.”

  “You thought I was gay this entire time? That explains why you suddenly switched gears from enemy combatant to wingman. It explains a lot actually.” He paused as if reevaluating the world as he knew it. “For the record, I have a mom and sister who are obsessed with the movie. I’ve seen or overheard it a thousand times. I could probably quote the entire script verbatim.”

  “That explains that.” I determinedly pressed onward, “Were you jealous Hunter? Were you worried another little boy was going to play with the toy you wanted? You’ve never indicated you were attracted to me.”

  Hunter shook his head. “Everleigh, I can’t believe you even have to ask. You are overwhelmingly beautiful, inside and out. If we weren’t friends you would have been under me that first week.”

  “Confident much?”

  “Am I wrong?”

  “I plead the fifth.” I decided to push a little further since he was being forthcoming, “So you were jealous?”

  He released a breath, heavy with frustration. “Yes, I was jealous; insanely, irrationally jealous. Does that make you happy?”

  “Of course,” I cheekily replied. Hunter shook his head at me chuckling.

  “It’s true, I don’t like the idea of sharing your attention, but I also didn’t like the idea of another man getting a taste of what I can’t have.”

  And there it was, the confirmation I was dreading. I wanted to abort the entire conversation, but I recommitted myself to seeing it through.

  “Why can’t you have me? You know I’m attracted to you, too.”

  I pressed myself against him reinforcing my point. Hunter groaned in response.

  “Everleigh, if we had sex it would be incredible, no doubt, but then what? I’m not at a place in my life where I can offer you anything more than friendship or sex…as much as I may want to. After we sated our lust, things would get complicated. I can barely deal with you dating now; if we slept together, it would drive me mad. We would have no claims on one another, but expectations would still arise. Our friendship would never survive, and I refuse to lose you. In the future, when I can, I would like to revisit this conversation, but for now, I need to keep things platonic.”

  Oh, it was so much worse than I thought. I was the cliché, Plan B. The friend kept on the backburner in case something better doesn’t present itself. How long was he hoping I would wait—a year, five, ten? I took a deep breath to cool my temper and my injured pride. I had asked the question, I couldn’t fault him for his honesty, even if the truth was the last thing I wanted to hear.

  “I can’t be your Plan B, Hunter. I won’t sit around alone and celibate, waiting for the day you conclude there are no superior options. If that is what you’re hoping for, I can’t give it to you.”

  “You are not my Plan B” Hunter belted out, “that wasn’t what I meant. Now is just not the right time. I’m not stalling you to sow my oats. It’s nothing like that. I just can’t…” Hunter growled his frustration. “I can’t explain it any better than I already have. I’m not asking you to wait for me to sort out my shit. I’m asking you to be my best friend. I don’t want to change anything; I don’t want to lose you.” His despair was so evident I almost felt sorry for him. Almost. “I wish you hadn’t broached the topic now. I understand I invited it with my reaction, but, damn it…I just don’t want things to change.”

  “It’s okay. I’m glad you told me the truth. I hear you and I understand, really I do. Yes, we can put this conversation behind us and still be friends. I can’t promise things will not change, people and relationships evolve all the time, but I don’t want to lose you either. If I could, I would do everything in my power to prevent it.”

  Unfortunately, the end of our friendship was inevitable. I had a moment of clarity during our conversation, finally admitting I wanted Hunter. I wanted him forever, above all others. I loved him as my best friend, but I finally accepted that I was also in love with him, and he just told me he could not give me what I wanted most—his love in return. There was nothing to be done about it, no case to be made, because if my heart was going to shatter either way, I would take
whatever moments I could hoard and create some steamy memories to keep me warm during the lonely nights to come. Maybe Sam was right months ago—Hunter could be the fantasy I turned to in twenty years when I needed erotic inspiration. The only certainty was I would never regret nights spent with Hunter once he was gone.

  “Thank God. I wish things were different, that I was able to give you more. I just can’t, not right now. I won’t ask you to wait an indefinite period of time, it’s not fair to you. I promise to be your best friend and support you, no more irrational outbursts.” He hugged me tighter and kissed the top of my head before whispering in my ear, “I wish I could tell you how much you mean to me, but words would never be enough.”

  Hunter released me from our hug and looked around, “Time to go.”

  Conversation completed, emotions poured out, it was over. I kept my word to Griffin and Sam. I’m not sure if I was glad to have done so, but at least I could move forward.

  Hunter picked up our coffees, handed me mine, and then took my hand in his, leading me to our class.

  After Intro to Acting, we all met for lunch at Westside BBQ. When I sat down Sam lifted an eyebrow, to which I responded with a small shake of my head and a frown. Sam returned my frown before shrugging, then lifted her arm up rodeo style and said aloud, “Ride ‘em, cowgirl!”

  Robbie and Hunter both looked at her as if she had lost her marbles, but I just laughed and laughed. If I couldn’t cry, then I was going to laugh until the hurt stopped.

  As the weeks passed we kept to our usual routine. I saw Josh at Krav Maga where he partnered me again, free of mishaps. He took me for a cup of coffee afterwards and we had a nice time; it was benign and pleasant. I was having trouble mustering the same level of attraction I had for him on our date. I was not ready to throw in the towel yet, but I was less optimistic. Josh was wonderful, but was dim when cast in Hunter’s shadow.

  Hunter and I were back to normal—both pretending our conversation had not happened. The only difference now was I made a concerted effort to touch him frequently, stand closer, hug longer, and press my body into his. What surprised me was Hunter responded to my mild advances in kind. He held my hand when he could find a justification, put his arm around me constantly, and occasionally slapped my butt playfully. He even began to kiss my forehead hello and goodbye, as if the top of my head was no longer good enough and he had to inch closer to my lips.

  Sam was trying to convince me it was time to step up the seduction, but I was not ready. I was enjoying the new intimacy in our friendship, and I didn’t want to lose it too soon by escalating my sexual advances. Each day I pushed a boundary slightly further and, thus far Hunter’s response was favorable and reciprocal. We were all going dancing on Saturday, further progress would be achieved when we danced, I was certain. There was no reason to artificially engineer something that would occur naturally.

  I know Sam didn’t understand. She had the man of her dreams and she knew she could keep him. She could enjoy him fully without the need to curb her instincts and desires. I was happy for her, thrilled even, but it was hard not to covet her liberties.

  Every day that passed was one less day I would have with Hunter. The further our relationship progressed, the closer we came to acting on our desires, the closer the end was. It was bittersweet. I cherished every little touch, every moment we spent together, because they were finite. I loved a man who could not fully return my love, not in the way I wanted. Every day the pain deepened and another crack was chiseled in my heart, as the impending loss loomed. I tried not to focus on the grief that was to come, and instead lived in the moment. After all, these moments were all that would remain when he was gone.

  Chapter Eleven

  * * *

  "Through this experience we have been warned - learn everything, don't forget anything!" -Karl Liebknecht

  Saturday night finally arrived and I was ready. I dressed how I felt: lustful, covetous, hungry, and carnal. I wore a tiny red dress, which was shorter than any I had ever worn. It was a deep red, one shoulder, fit-and-flare with a black satin band defining my waist. No other adornments were necessary. The color spoke volumes and the overall effect was tantalizing when paired with black snakeskin heels.

  Hunter and Robbie met us outside The Stop; if my goal was to capture Hunter’s attention—mission accomplished. Had he been animated, his jaw would have dropped, tongue unrolled from his mouth pooling on the floor, and horns would have sounded ‘ah-ooh-gah, ah-ooh-gah!’ He strode up and pulled me against him, impulsively kissing my bare shoulder near the base of my neck, an unexpected and welcomed greeting.

  “Woman, what are you trying to do to me? Holy shit! You can’t leave my side tonight.”

  He pulled me tightly against him and I could feel a hard ridge against my hip—my, oh my. I was lost in the moment until I felt a series of vibrations against my pelvis.

  “A little lower and that could be effective,” I taunted.

  “You’re evil,” he muttered as he pulled his cell from his pocket and checked the screen. “You have to be kidding me, I’m sorry, I have to take this. I’ll be right back.”

  When I turned to face Sam, she was gloating, words unnecessary.

  “I’m staying at Robbie’s tonight,” she casually advised. I nodded.

  Clearly unsatisfied I had not risen to her bait, she continued, “You know, in case you feel the need to rearrange your bedroom furniture tonight. You have been talking about moving your bed. Maybe Hunter could help you. He seems up for the challenge.”

  I rolled my eyes, not dignifying her comment with a response.

  “Are they finally going to do it tonight? Thank God,” Robbie teased.

  “Not you too. Sam can get away with it; you’re risking reprisal,” I cautioned him.

  Hunter returned, ending their fun. “I have to go, work emergency and I’m the closest. I’m so sorry,” he told us collectively before reaching for my hand and pulling me a few feet away.

  “You’re heart-stopping in that dress. If there was any way I could get out of this, I would.”

  He pulled me into a tight embrace and lifted me off my feet. He kissed my forehead before slowly sliding me down his body.

  “Be careful tonight. Stay with Robbie and Sam, please.”

  “I will. Go fix your problem, and if you get done early enough come back,” …‘to me’, I wanted to add.

  “It doesn’t look promising, but if I can I will. Text me when you get home so I know you’re safe, and make sure your doors are locked.”

  “I promise.”

  He gave me another squeeze followed by a kiss on the top of my head before releasing me reluctantly.

  “Take care of my girl tonight,” he commanded to Sam and Robbie with a departing wave.

  I rejoined my friends, disappointed that Hunter had to leave. At least he’d seen me dressed up and liked what he saw. Remembering his approval, I smiled—definitely worth the effort.

  “His girl?” Sam smirked.

  “Your guess is as good as mine,” I shared in her surprise.

  Once inside we shared a round of shots before heading to the dance floor. After several songs Linc joined us, I was thrilled things had returned to normal between us. We danced for over an hour before he received a call and left to meet friends at another club. What was with me tonight? All my dance partners were being called away. I spotted Sam and Robbie a few feet away where they were intently practicing for their endeavors later in the evening. Deciding to give them alone time, I waved to Sam, pointing to the bar to indicate where they could find me later. She nodded her understanding and went back to checking Robbie for cavities.

  I found a stool at the far end of the bar next to the wall, which provided a little breathing room from the crush. Griffin waved the universal sign for ‘just a minute.’ True to his word, he was standing in front of me shortly thereafter.

  “What is up, pretty lady? Where’s the rest of your crew?”

  “Sam and Robbie are
dancing. I lost Hunter to a work crisis before he even made it inside. Then I lost Linc to another club; apparently my man repellent is working. I was ready for a break, so I figured I would set up shop here and people watch.”

  “Good plan. Do you want a drink?”

  “A mojito and a water, thanks.”

  When Griff returned with my drink, I took a sip and hummed my approval.

  “Everything worked out with Hunter?”

  “Eh, sort of. I did talk to him, as I promised, and I was right. He wants me but he doesn’t want me. He could only offer me friendship.”

  “Are you okay with that option?”

  “Do I have a choice? I think it’s too late for a lifelong friendship. I have alternative plans.”

  Griffin shook his head and laughed at me.

  “Don’t tell me, let me guess—you’ve realized you’re in love with him but you can’t have him. It’s an impossibility to remain best friends with someone you’re in love with, so you’re throwing caution to the wind and luring him into bed to enjoy your wares, before running in self-preservation.”

  Damn, he was accurate and succinct.

  “That’s it in a nutshell. You’re good at this.”

  “I know,” he smiled at my compliment, “it’s easier to have perspective when you aren’t emotionally involved. Okay, back to the masses. I will come check on you later. Holler if you need me.”

  “Will do.”

  I spent the next half hour watching couples fight, girlfriends dance drunk, and guys strikeout. It was as entertaining as any reality show. Any more spray tans and we would be entering ‘Jersey Shore’ territory. I was beginning to get restless when a steel arm banded around me, pulling me back against an unforgiving body, nearly causing me to fall off my stool.